Transitions
The more knowledge we have about potential change, the better we are at handling the change emotionally...

ransitions involve change and change can be scary. When things change there is uncertainty about what will happen and that can make us feel uncomfortable. The more knowledge we have about the potential change, the better we are at handling the change emotionally as well as the changes it brings into our lives. This is true of adults as well as children.

So many transitions take place in our lives especially at this time of year. Thoughts of summer, children moving to the next grade, moving schools, changing houses, and the time changes are some which come to mind. Parents are busy planning what their children/family will be doing this summer – lessons, camps, vacations, etc. Children are looking forward to sleeping later, swimming and slower days while still wondering what will next year be like? Will I like my teacher? How much homework will there be? Can I do the work required in grade ___? There is excitement and concern at the same time. Questions, concerns, worries, emotions, etc. are natural.

How can you help your child through this transition time?

•  Talk with them about next school year. What are they thinking? What are they looking forward to next year? What are they worried/concerned about? Answer the questions you know and then contact the person who can answer those you don't know.

•  Some children become very anxious during times of change. The more information they have about the change, the less afraid they are. If you don't know the answer to a question, let your child know that when you do decide/find out the answer, you will let them know.

•  Not all information needs to be shared with your child. As the parent, decide what information will help them make the transition smoothly and what information is really for adults only.

•  Talk with your child (ren) about what is available for lessons or camps. Listen to their thoughts, ideas, and concerns about what they do this summer. Plan together what would be an acceptable amount of activity and downtime for them.

Change happens. It is a natural part of our lives. Our attitudes and responses toward change can make that change easier or more difficult. A great book regarding change is Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson, M.D. There is a children's version of this book as well. Cheese represents change in the book. One of the lessons learned from this book is “It seemed like only yesterday he believed change happened to him-like when someone moved his Cheese from Cheese Station C. Now he realized the best change happens inside of you--like when you believe a change can lead to something better.” Embracing change, learning all we can about the changes and asking questions makes accepting and living with change much easier.

What do you think your new cheese might be? “Move to the new cheese and enjoy it!”

elcome to the twenty first century: the age of electronics, technology and anything you ever wanted is available to you with just a click of the mouse.

Have you ever felt that you just keep giving and giving and giving?

Do your children continue to ask for the newest and latest gadgets?

Are you being bombarded by the latest advertising for that something that every child needs to have?

Parents beware:

•  It is time to turn off the electronics.

•  It is time to turn to your child and say NO to material things.

•  It is time to look your child in the eyes and show them the best gifts any parent can give: LOVE, TIME, and TALK

Let's start with LOVE

Parents who say NO to every whim, whine and request from their children are showing love. Model to your child that to be happy, the only thing you need is love from family... What is important is that we have each other, not the newest or best gaming system.

TIME is priceless 

Parents stop for this moment and evaluate the time you spend with your children.

Are you pleased?

Do you wish you could spend more?

How can I make more time for my children?

If you are pleased, share what you do with other parents so they can find a happy balance.

If you want to spend more time, now is an opportunity to be very resourceful and figure out what has to change.

Parenting and the roles that parents play are either priorities or inconviences in adult lives. Please make your job as a parent more of your priority. Remember you only have one opportunity to do it right.

TALK, TALK, and TALK some more.

Children learn so much from parents talking about anything and everything. Take opportunities to have conversations about the day, the events of the day, and even the events of tomorrow. So often in our hurried world, we express ourselves with two word sentences or maybe just a head nod. Take the time to really talk about things, events, family and any other topic that is of family importance.

Give yourself permission to change the rat race of life.

Give yourself something : TIME, TALK and LOVE.

Choices…Choices…Too Many Things to Do!

emember the good old days? Football games… dances… laughing with friends at your favorite hang out after school for cokes and fries…. Those were the good old days. If you walked into a high school today, would you see the same picture? Unfortunately the answer is probably not.

Today high school students have planners filled with times, dates, activities and are so busy they can't make the game…they have to work on the day of the dance….Hardees after school? Sorry, can't make that either, there's practice or a meeting. How can we as parents, help our high school children navigate through this time of adult schedules during adolescence? How do we teach them to manage their time so there is a balance of work and play? How do we guide them in deciding which activities, classes, etc. to keep in their schedules and which they need to let go?

A typical day in the life of a high school student looks much like our schedules as adults. They get up at 6:30 a.m. and get ready for school. Classes start at 7:35. School is over at 2:30. Then they go to practice for three hours. After practice they go to work until 10:00 p.m. They get home, eat, and begin homework. Homework is finished at 1:00a.m. They sleep for five hours and start all over again. What happened to the carefree days of high school most of us remember?

Navigating the high school waters is much different today. There is the pressure to succeed academically. Which classes do I take? Can I handle AP English and AP Science with work and activities? Students struggle with these decisions on a daily basis.

Teaching young adults that you don't have to do everything is an important lesson. Learning to prioritize options will help them in the adult world.

As parents we can help by teaching them to prioritize the options available to them. Look at the most important options first. Help them to weigh the pros and cons of the choices they have skill to learn. Sit down with your child and write out the options on paper. List the advantages and disadvantages of each option. By seeing it on paper, sometimes the young person has an easier time making the decision. Ask the hard questions, there isn't time to do both well, which is most important to you? What will you be giving up if you make this choice? The other choice? Then have them make a choice. After a few weeks, evaluate the choice. Was it a good one? If so, great! If not, what are the options now? It is critical to teach young people to evaluate their decisions and to know that just because you made a decision doesn't mean you're stuck with it forever. If you don't like that decision, change it. There are always options.

Let your children know that you as an adult go through this process frequently. Give them some examples from your life of decisions you have made and how those turned out.

The Simple Things in Life...

he old saying goes, “It's the little things in life that matters!”

The moments that are etched in our memory are family and friend parties filled with lots of conversation, laughter, and spontaneous fun. Parties and get togethers that are organized to maximize everyone's involvement. The cost of food was minimum, the time spent together priceless.

When it comes to having a child's party consider less is better. Put your ego aside or the need to out do your neighbor. Competition and extravagant costs, not only monetarily, but also in the values you are teaching your child.

Gratitude is taught to children, not by comparing one gift as better than another gift or a party better than another party, but by the simple, spontaneous, kid directed fun and play. Children can learn to be thankful for companionship with family and friends as the most important value of any party.

Ungrateful children who are “spoiled brats” complain about the gifts, party favors and games. Anytime children complain about a party help them to see the “little things” emphasizing the social interaction as the reason people have parties and get together.

Parents who teach their children to be generous and grateful model the joy and excitement of being around people. Help your child to see that conversations and laughter are the foundations of all parties.

For your child's next party or get together, consider:

•  Making something ( pictures, or cards for someone in need; local food pantry or shelter)

•  Playing Cooperative and imaginative games that children decide together.

•  Serving Cupcakes (You and your child made together)

Parents create memories for their children. Create those memories that are filled with the simple joys of family and friends; love, laughter and conversation. Plus, a cupcake on the side!

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

Homework

Does the mere mention of the word “homework” send chills down your spine? Do you envision sitting at the kitchen table for hours helping your child complete their homework? Is it a battle of the wills to even get your child to sit at the table to start doing homework? Do you get so frustrated you do the work for your child? These are situations that can occur in any household. How to end the homework “hassle” is a question asked by parents.

Questions to Consider:

•  Whose responsibility is it to do the homework? Yours or the child?

•  Does your child understand the assignment given?

•  Is there a routine time and place set for the child to do homework?

Homework is meant to be practice for children of concepts they learned in school that day. Homework reinforces the learning and gives children a chance to independently practice what they have learned.

Tips to Remember:

•  Homework is between your child and the teacher. If the child does not complete their homework, this allows the teacher to discover the reason – didn't understand, chose to do other things, or whatever. The child needs to take responsibility for what was not completed.

•  Don't help unless your child asks. Only explain what they need to do, resist doing the work for them. Otherwise what lesson has your child learned ? If I whine and say I can't do it long enough, mom or dad will do it for me.

•  Avoid the urge to rescue your child. Whether your child completes their homework or not, is not a reflection on you. It does say something about the child. When children are allowed to experience the consequences of their actions, they internalize the message.

•  You can assist your child by making sure they have a regular time and place to do homework. Make sure they have the necessary supplies – paper, pencils, erasers, crayons, etc.

•  Smile and encourage them. Let them know you believe they are capable and responsible. You know they will do a good job.

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

The Value of Attendance

Are your children attending school regularly?

Do your children make excuses to stay home from school?

Do you miss work because you don't feel like going to work?

Imagine this:

our child is prompt, ready to go to school. Everything is packed in the bookbag. Homework is complete. Breakfast is over and the dishes are in the dishwasher. Your child is eager to get out of the house and off to school. From the moment you woke up this morning, everything at your household went smooth without any problems.

Who are we kidding? This scenario is a dream of every parent.

The reality is somewhat different. Getting off to work and school in the morning can be a nightmare. In some households from the time the alarm goes off till the front door is locked, parents find the greatest challenges of raising children.

To alleviate some of the morning hassles, try the following three steps:

•  Stop and think about your own attitude when it comes to attending your job.

Do you look forward to your job?

Do you start your morning with a new and bright outlook on the day?

When give the choices of a positive or negative outlook, you can choose a frame of reference that can be contagious to your children. Remember modeling is the key to parenting.

•  Talk with your children about the benefits of good attendance.

Let your children know that attending school has long lasting benefits. The payoffs include:

•  Life long learning. If I miss school, I miss the learning opportunities.

•  Job routine. Going to school regularly will prepare you for attending your job regularly.

•  If you want to be successful, your attendance will be an indicator of your future success.

•  Help your children to see that morning will set the tone for the whole day.

Do something to set a positive morning tone in your household.

Be creative.

Maybe it is breakfast or music or cheerful conversations. Teach your children that what happens in the morning can and will effect the rest of the day.

Sometimes we take the little things for granted. We can be so focused on appointments, the activities after school, or the next holiday, that we forget the simple things in life that can make a world of difference. Make the morning and attendance of your job and the children's school a top priority. Start your day with an attitude that today will make a difference in the lives of everyone who resides under the same roof.

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

A Parent's “How to” Guide
to Reading...

e all read! From a restaurant menu to a mystery novel, we all read for information or for entertainment. Parents need to initiate and model reading daily. Give your child the ways and means to be successful in school and in life.

Step 1: Look Around!

Do you have books, magazines and newspapers in prominent areas in your home? Are there opportunities to pick up something to read in the kitchen, on the coffee table or even, in the bathroom? Place a variety of reading materials all around your house. Children need to see that you value reading.

Step 2: Conversations

Model and initiate conversations with your child about something you have read. Share news information to help your child learn about the world. Ask your child to read the recipe directions while fixing dinner. When parents make reference to something they have read in conversations, children learn that reading is important.

Step 3: Offer a book/magazine, instead of candy/toy

While shopping with your child offer them something to read. Children's books, magazines or comic books are great alternatives that provide enjoyment and increase reading skills. Surprise your child with a monthly magazine subscription to be delivered to your home. Check with your local library or bookstore for suggestions of good reading materials. Consider giving books as gifts, rather than toys or candy.

Step 4: Read daily

Whether you read as a nightly bedtime ritual or spontaneously share the highlights from a magazine article, read daily. “Kids do what they see.” When your child sees you show an interest in reading, they will read too. Help your child to see the correlation that reading provides pertinent information to your daily life.

Step 5: Trade books/magazines with friends.

Family and friends are valuable resources to increase your reading library. Ask them to join you in swapping books/magazines that they are finished reading. It is an inexpensive way to expand what you read and provides a variety of reading materials that we might otherwise not have chosen to read. This leads to great conversations with friends and family about the books. When children hear adults talking about what they have read, they learn how adults find meaning in what they read. They hear how you apply what you've read in your life. What great modeling! They discover that reading can be fun!

Learning to navigate in our world today requires that your child is a proficient reader. Their ability to read will require daily interaction with printed word. As a parent, you can assist this journey by having a variety of books and magazines available, talking about what you read and spending time together reading.

“You gave your child the gift of life, now give them the gift to learn.”

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

When “NO” means “NO!”

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber

ow strong is your backbone when your child begs for something?

Are you able to stand tall, say “NO” and stick with your decision?

Do your children recognize what is a NEED and what is a WANT?

Parents who say “NO” and mean it are the concrete that cements boundaries for their children. These parents don't play games or waiver and give into their child's whining or tantrums. Each time you say “NO” and stick with it, your child is learning to respect adult decisions.

Children today are referred to by many people as the "entitled generation.” They are described as being materialistic, getting what they want, and enabled by parents who bail them out of difficult situations. These children only understand instant gratification. Sometimes they are labeled “spoiled brats."

It is very easy to sharpen the skill – the skill of saying “NO” – and meaning it.

Trust yourself to stand behind what you say. Your life experiences have prepared you to guide your child through each developmental stage. Your child may feel discomfort from your decision, but they will get over it. You may feel discomfort knowing your child is not happy with you.

Parenting is making the decisions that will benefit your child the most rather than those that make you a popular parent. Children frequently look for parents to set the boundaries for them. When they are young, it's a matter of teaching them appropriate choices. When they are adolescents, they often count on the parent backbone saying no so they can save face with friends and can say, “My parents won't let me.” Many teens are secretly relieved when parents say no…they just don't let you in on that information. Stay strong – your children are counting on you!

Example: Your child wants something at the grocery store, not on the grocery list.

Parent says: “NO”

Child says: But Mom or Dad, I want…….

Parent says: I love you too much to argue with you.

END OF CONVERSATION …..

Some parents find themselves in trouble by getting involved in a power struggle. If you find yourself:

•  arguing

•  explaining

•  negotiating

•  STOP, because your child is winning the struggle.

When you say “NO” in the future, it has weakened in effectiveness and your child has learned if they whine, argue or negotiate long enough, you will give into their wants. It is time to strengthen your backbone and return to boundaries and delayed gratification. After all, you know the difference between what your child needs and wants.

Teach your child that you are in charge!

Teach your child that you mean what you say!

Teach your child that “NO” means "NO." End of discussion.

If you feel your child is asking for something which might be reasonable (a later bedtime), say to them, “convince me.” By having your child convince you they NEED (not want) something, they are expending their energy trying to convince you. Your replies can be calm, firm and simple: (Suzy gets to stay up until 9:30.) “I'm not convinced.” Or if they have made a good case (I'm ten and I do all my homework and my chores. If I don't get up on time for school or stop doing well in school, my bedtime can go back to 9:00), “I'm convinced.”

Keep in mind that your role, as a parent is the most important job you will ever have in life. No one ever said that parenting would be easy. Raising respectful children will be the most important gift you give to society. Given the passage of time, respectful children will grow up to become responsible parents.

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

Is There Really a Human RACE?

Stress/Hurried/Over scheduled – Loss of a child's self-reliance/creativity

Contributions by Sandy Ragona and Stef Weber, Guidance Counselors Dubuque Schools

re you one of many parents who race from one thing to another? Are your schedules of activities finding you tired and short fused?

Why the Rush?

Parents want only the best for their children. What is lost in the hurried, over scheduled pace of life is a child's ability to become self-reliant. Without a balance of time to play, think and create, children develop more dependence on their parents to make decisions for them.

Remember when you were a child? Parents encouraged us to go outside and play. If we came to them with a problem with our friends, we were told to figure it out ourselves. We learned to problem solve through our play experiences. We agreed on what to play, the rules and how to enforce the rules. If someone broke the rules, they took the consequences….they might decide not to play anymore…to change their behavior or attitude…or to stand up for what they believed was right. Through this we learned to compromise, how to get along with others and to accept our strengths and weaknesses. Our parents empowered us by telling us they had confidence in our ability to solve problems. We learn % of what we hear, % of what we see and % of what we experience. Let your children experience childhood and learn from their experiences.

Jamie Lee Curtis wrote a children's book, “Is There Really a Human RACE?' In the book, she describes the rapid hurried pace and how we lose perspective of what is important. She reminds us to not go so fast, to try our best, and to lend a hand.

Parents need to stop the treadmill of schedules that children are on.

Ask yourself three questions:

• Are you eating on the run?
• Are you feeling stressed?
• Is your child complaining that he/she is bored with the unscheduled part of the day?

If you answered yes to any of the three questions…Slow down

Try the following:

• Provide your child more free time. Time to play outside, draw, color, write and read.
• Turn off the electronics, television and video games.

Make family time a priority:

• Eat meals together
• Talk/conversations about today, highlights and lessons learned
• Play games together

As Jamie Lee Curtis said,

“So take what's inside you and make big, bold choices.

And for those who can't speak for themselves, use bold voices.

And make friends and love well,

Bring art to this place.

And make the world better,

For the whole human race.”

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

Teaching Children How to Handle Mistakes

Contributions by Sandy Ragona and Stef Weber, Dubuque Schools

Everyone makes mistakes!

Mistakes happen in life and they are a natural part of the learning process. However, in many cultures, and especially American culture, admitting mistakes is a sign of weakness. It should come as no surprise that our politicians almost never admit to mistakes. Such admissions would become ammunition for the opposing party. So instead of admitting to a mistakes, we've become adept at covering them up, blaming others, and generally weaseling out any responsibility or the consequences of our actions. Homer Simpson said it best: "Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel."

Admitting one's mistakes is an essential element of character-building, and as a parent admitting one's mistakes is a great mentoring opportunity to create a lesson that will last your child's lifetime.

According to guidance counselors Sandy Regona and Sefani Weber at Kennedy Elementary, "Parents have many opportunities to teach their children about handling errors and making mistakes. In three steps, you can teach your children a coping skill that will benefit them for life.

"Many parents cover up their mistakes from their children. Some adults have the tendency to quickly mask the mistake or blame others for their error. What parents are teaching their children is that mistakes are bad and not to be recognized as a part of being human.

"To humanize your errors and teach your children the ways to handle any situation, please follow these guidelines:

• Acknowledge the mistake by saying: I made a mistake, it is okay to make mistakes, everyone does.
• Secure confidence by saying: I can handle it. Nothing horrible will happen
• Plan for problem solving: I will correct the mistake by…

"If you make a wrong turn, say, 'I will just turn around in this driveway and we are back on our way.'

If you spill something, say, 'It is okay to have an accident. I will clean it up and pour myself another glass of milk.'

"Teach your children that when they make a mistake, they need a good plan, not a good excuse. Empower your children by modeling what to do when you make a mistake. Your children will be more responsible for their actions and learn from their own mistakes.

Sandy Ragona and Stefani Weber are Guidance Counselors at Kennedy Elementary School in Dubuque. Sandy has recently authored a book entitled, " Please Stop, I Don't Like That!” and it's available from Amazon.com Sandy is one of the district's foremost authorities on bullying behavior.

• A parent goes to parent conferences and focuses on positive experience and avoids confrontations.
  
• Reviews current grades but doesn't quibble about a plus or minus.
  Shares pertinent information that would be helpful to the school about health, home, or social problems.
  
• Asks about other aspects of the child's life such as ability to get along with others and listening skills, patience, manners.
  
• Asks the teacher what they can do to reinforce lessons and be supportive at home.
  
• Leaves their own school issues at home.
  
• Learns about child development in order to better understand their behavior.
  
• Goes home and discusses the conferences in a positive problem solving way.

HAVE YOU LOST
YOUR MIND?

Linda Olsen, Guidance Counselor

any parents have either openly said this or covertly thought it about their teenager. Even the most mild mannered, predictable adolescent can astound his or her parents with some off-the-wall, unpredictable behavior that appears to come out of nowhere. I remember parents visiting my office and being absolutely mystified by an abrupt behavior change in their child. I used this as an opportunity to talk to them about the new research in brain development as it affects teenagers. After I explained the new theories about adolescent brain development, they told me that they left my office with a new appreciation for the complexities of adolescence.

When adults discuss the unpredictability and impulsivity of teenagers, they often attribute the problematic behavior to raging hormones. However, new research made possible by MRI machines that scan the brain is giving us information that shows that the causes of the terrible teens is not just an out-of-control libido but also dramatic neurophysical changes. An understanding of the brain and how it impacts decision making will help make sense of the seemingly nonsensical behavior of teenagers.

Before the invention of the new electronic brain imaging equipment, scientists presumed that brain development was completed by the age of 12. Now, they are discovering that the brain structure continues to make dramatic changes until the age of 25. In that context you realize that the adolescent you are trying to reason with is nowhere as capable as you of making important decisions and considering the ramifications of his behavior.

Not only do the neural connectors in the brain change, but the very structure of the brain "prunes" itself resulting in a dramatic change in the amount of gray and white matter. Scientists are now theorizing that adolescent behaviors such as: emotional outbursts, risk taking, rule breaking and the lure of sex, drugs, and rock and roll can be attributed to these profound changes in the brain.

We know that during pregnancy the brain of the fetus goes through its first pruning, a shedding of brain cells. Another pruning occurs at age 12; however, scientists now find that an even more important pruning occurs during the late teen years. This pruning is guided by genetics and also how the brain is used. It is a true case of "use it or lose it." The avid pianist improves dramatically at this time. The mathematician becomes capable of even more complex material. Conversely, the "slacker" loses some of the abilities he or she once had, and the gap widens between the students with good study habits and the marginal student.

As if this wasn't challenging enough, the last part of the brain to prune is the prefrontal cortex. This is where the "executive functions" of the brain reside. These are the behaviors that we naturally expect adolescents to have such as: planning, setting priorities, organizing thoughts suppressing impulses, weighing the consequences of behavior. This development occurs much later in adolescence-in the twenties in some individuals.

When we take into account the sex hormones that have been activated in the brain's emotional center (the limbic center) which has pruned and developed much earlier, we understand why adolescence is so chaotic. The adolescent finds him or herself living in the world of adult expectations with a mature looking body, raging hormonal impulses which include not only sexual urges but also thrill seeking in general. Teenagers become seekers of strong sensations and dramatic liaisons. Some have compared this period to a sleek sports car with a student driver at the wheel.

Hello! It's no wonder they are mixed up. In a sense, they have the urges, abilities, needs, and capabilities without any system for prioritization, organization, and most important and abstract thinking.

Then, to complicate matters, society keeps making demands on their time and resources. I always compare it to juggling. The grade schooler lives in a small world where he or she juggles the three balls of home, school, and friends. As he matures, other balls get added such as sports, hobbies, jobs, school activities, and clubs. By high school the adolescent finds himself juggling a dozen or more commitments and responsibilities. And these balls are no longer the same size and shape. Some have gotten larger such as friends and others such as sexual relationships and age inappropriate behavior have morphed into chain saws. All this is being heaped onto an adolescent who lacks the cognitive ability to prioritize responsibilities and is oblivious to how complex and confusing his life has become. It's as if more balls and cinderblocks and chainsaws were added when he wasn't looking. The overwhelmed teen responds with what resources are available to him or her. This explains the "meltdown" of the perky perfectionist, the "dropout" of the easily discouraged, and the "tune out" of the substance addicted.

As if this isn't enough to deal with, consider these other problems associated with the pruning that is taking place in adolescence. The rapid changes in brain chemicals make the teen vulnerable to the stimulant and addictive effects of drugs and alcohol. And the couch potato syndrome can be explained by the late development of that part of the brain that directs motivation and reward seeking. Another more serious problem is the insomnia that plagues teens. They experience a change in sleep habits probably because of a change in their melatonin level which regulates sleep signals. Some scientists theorize that they have a skewed sense of time that may explain the procrastination that frustrates parents so. Other problems associated with this pruning include tics and even the onset of serious psychological problems like schizophrenia .

JUST ASK FOR HELP. YOU KNOW WE LOVE YOU.

It's not that easy. How can you ask for help when you don't know you need it? In fact, you think you're invincible and anyone over 21 is clueless, doesn't understand and is out to get you. Because of the late development of the prefrontal part of the brain, adolescents rely on another region of the brain called the amygdala in the temporal lobe which governs gut reactions and emotions. That's right, this individual is making life altering decisions and navigating the world of adults based on feelings, impulses and emotional hunches. Complicating this is the fact that adolescents frequently misread emotional signals. They see anger and hostility where none is present. A teacher who expresses concern may be interpreted as judgmental and meddling and "picking on me."

This confusing behavior is reinforced by their peers. As everyone knows, they love to be with their friends. They look to other adolescents for support and clarity as they navigate these confusing times. The problem is that they are relying on someone as confused as they are and are much more likely to engage in risky behavior when in the presence of their peers. Most really dangerous behavior is the result of a group effort rather than individual action.
Finally, this is all occurring to an individual who has been raised to love and respect his or her parents and who ultimately wants to get along with and make them proud. He or she is confused and surprised by his own behavior. We adults aren't much help since we don't know enough about this sophisticated new brain research. And even if we do, what do we do to keep this kid safe until the critical brain functions kick in?

GOOD QUESTION... GOOD ANSWERS.

So, what's a parent to do. First, awareness of these neurological developments and difficulties is an important step. It is not an excuse for slacking, irresponsibility, moodiness or bad decisions, but it helps us understand the challenge of the adolescent years and gives us ideas of how to help our teen navigate these stormy but exciting times. Brain scientists are getting better and better at telling us how the mind works and how it impacts behavior. The problem is that advice is lagging behind our research for a variety of reasons one of which is that we have relied on old information about behavior too long. Also, we have used traditional methods of parenting and social expectations. Think about the arbitrary landmarks we have in our society. Drive at 16, drink at 21, vote at 18, college at 19, part time job at 16. Who says so? The car rental companies may know something when they made the rule that you have to be 25 in order to rent a car. They have done their demographics of collisions and other problems and have targeted the riskiest population-that is the 16 to 21 year old who is driving your car, spending your money, sleeping on your couch, eating your food, driving you crazy by just being themselves.

GUIDELINES

Awareness-Keep mindful of the information you have about brain development as it relates to your child and be realistic about your expectations. Also be realistic about your own habits and judgments. The kids don't take after the neighbors; they have spent a lifetime imitating you and wanting to be like you. The child of a procrastinator is likely to procrastinate, and similarly the child of a chemically dependent person, under achiever, couch potato is likely to emulate his or her parents. You get the idea. Don't have standards of behavior for your child that you don't strive for yourself. Also, be realistic about your rules and requirements and don't have unreasonable expectations. You are a powerful role model who can teach respect, responsibility and good decision making.

Realistic Expectations-Keeping in mind what you know about adolescent brain development, be understanding. However, that is not an excuse to allow bad behavior. Teenagers may struggle with organization, promptness, responsibility and impulsive behavior; however, don't underestimate the impact of your teaching and expectations. Just because your teen struggles with these concepts doesn't mean they shouldn't be modeled and encouraged. This is a prime time to work on these skills. We also know that adolescence is a time when the mind is a powerful learning tool quickly imprinting good habits it forms.

Don't give up-Now is not the time to let kids run wild. It is your responsibility to know first and last names of friends. Know where your child is at all times. Check on what Internet sites they frequent. Know who is home when your child is visiting another family. Be very suspicious of the overnight sleep over.

Be affectionate-Try to love that teenager as much as you can in spite of how difficult they may seem. Catch them being nice and compliment them when they are acting appropriately. Make sure that both parents are verbal about their love. Your teen will act like they hate it, but deep down it means the world to them.

You are the boss-Don't let the inmates gain control of the asylum. Never allow violent or disrespectful behavior continue in your home. Abuse of one another is a toxic situation that can only get worse and occur more frequently. If things get out of control, step back and gain control of yourself. You can't deal with someone else if you are not in control of your own emotions.

Don't be afraid to ask for help-If a problem starts to become chronic or escalates, seek help for your family. You might consult a school counselor, a minister or priest, a professional, a trusted teacher or a family member. Don't let things go too far.

Raise independent kids-Let your teen face the consequences of his behavior. If you bail him out, he will never learn his lesson. He will learn that he is weak, you are a rescuer and that you don't think he can handle things. Instead establish yourself as a resource for advice in problem solving. Help your teen to brainstorm all the options to a decision-even goofy ones in order to show them that there are many approaches to take once you stop and look at things.

Sometimes the big dog has to bark- Never underestimate the power of dad's intervention (that is if a dad is part of the family) when there is a problem. Mothers many times deal with the day-to-day parenting and decision making about her children's lives. However, it has been my experience that teenagers sometimes need a strong male influence. Dad or a significant male in the child's life might need to come in and set limits and support mother's position. This is in no way a put-down of the role of the mother but a reminder that a united front is very important.

Don't be afraid to admit you are wrong-Teenagers are great BS detectors. When you make a mistake, you will maintain your credibility if you admit it and say you are sorry. Plus, you are modeling a nurturing atmosphere where mistakes are okay as long as you learn something from them.

Name it and claim it-If there is a huge problem at home, don't let it fester. Bring it out into the open and discuss it. For example, if you are worried about alcohol or weed, bring it up in a non-accusatory way. Remember a urinary analysis is the definitive solution to those haunting suspicions. Any doctor's office or clinic will process one for you. If a child storms out of the house after you've told them not to, call the police. I can guarantee the first time the police bring them home will probably be the last. You are in charge and you need to be, and it's not a power trip. It's your job.

IN CONCLUSION

This column has dealt with a number of important issues impacting your teenager. It's the same with mourning loss, organization, responsibility, respect, substance abuse, or age appropriate behavior. You are one of the most important factors in your child's life. Don't expect them to be perfect, and forgive the errors you both make. No one has invested more than you in your child. The more you do to help them understand themselves and become independent, the better your lives will be.

Linda Olsen has taught high school English for 25 years. She was a high school guidance counselor for 9 years. She has a master's degree in clinical counseling and has been an adolescent mental health therapist. Her comments are based on theory, experience and common sense.

have been overwhelmed by the response to my columns concerning loss. Many of you have contacted me and expressed appreciation for the ideas and strategies that I shared with you. One point that I wanted to clarify is that the timing of the article was prompted by the loss of a student at the beginning of the school year. However, in no way does that diminish the death of other individuals who have been lost to our community. John Donne said, "Every man's death diminishes me because I am a part of humanity."

That being said, let me offer some thoughts about mourning and the grieving process. Having lost our own beloved nephew Georgie to cancer at the age of 14, I bring to this subject the perspective of the mourner along with the objectivity of the therapist. This year we marked the tenth anniversary of Georgie's death on December 21st. We commemorated the event with a prayer service at his mausoleum with a close group of family and friends. His best friend, Garret, who is now 24, spent the day with us talking, crying, reminiscing and honoring Georgie. After our prayer service we convened at the house to enjoy a luncheon and ended up all baking cookies and talking all afternoon long. At one point in the afternoon, Garret asked permission to go to Georgie's room and spend some time. I heard him back there talking out loud and holding a one-sided conversation. At the end of the day, I was surprised at how comforted I was by the events of the day.

What occurred that had comforted rather than saddened was the chance to honor Georgie with our tears. It was nice to take time to remember not only the day he died but also the life he had lived. That is an important thing to remember, that we commemorate not only the death but the also the life of the person. The other part is to share grief with friends. Many times the parents of grieving teenagers are concerned that their child is concentrating too much on the loss of a friend and worry that they are not moving on. While I can understand the parent wanting to protect their child from sadness, I don't think there is anything wrong with voicing loss and disappointment. It is far better to express feelings openly rather than burying them and slogging on with every day life and ignoring the chasm that death leaves. The deceased should remain a part of the bereaved's life and it's very healthy to mention them in conversation. Death is not a secret we keep to avoid feeling sad and sorrowful. How unnatural it is to ignore the obvious feelings we are experiencing; therefore, parents are encouraged to validate their child's feelings rather than expecting them to put on a brave face.

Thousands in Unclaimed Dollars for College!

Linda Olsen, Guidance Counselor

Got your attention, didn’t I? That's what the folks who use this headline as their advertising tactic are hoping.

If you have ever had a sleepless night and watched the late night television infomercials, you may have seen these advertisements that claim to be able to find unclaimed college scholarships. DON'T FALL FOR THEM! They are of no help to you. They are aimed at the desperate or unknowledgeable parent, and they are trying to get you to pay a fee for searching for this money on your behalf.

First of all, there is very little unclaimed money for college. If a scholarship goes unclaimed it is because it is so obscure or it targets such a specific population that the average person would never qualify. A general rule of thumb is," DO NOT PAY ANYONE FOR A CHANCE AT A SCHOLARSHIP!" Most of what you need to know about searching for legitimate sources of scholarhsip money is right here in this column. You are not alone in this quest, by the way.

So where does the money for college come from? An excellent question and a good place to start if we are going to discuss the college search and financing higher learning. First, let's define some terms.

College refers to a four year institution of higher learning.

Junior college or community college are institutions where it takes a shorter time period to earn a degree, usually two or three years depending on the program. Often referred to as technical schools or vocational schools, they prepare students for specific jobs or trades (computer technology or dental hygenist) compared to a "liberal arts" program that is broader and covers subjects in the arts, communication, education, and the humanities.

Private colleges are usually affiliated with a certain religious denomination and have a somewhat specialized or limited number of majors and degree programs.

Universities are comprised of individual schools within the larger institution that issue separate degrees (think of it as a collection of colleges under one brand name). Like the University of Iowa has a University of Iowa School of Medicine, a law school, and business school, etc. The much smaller University of Dubuque has a Presbyterian seminary that trains ministers, and a Flight Operations School certified to train pilots or airport administrators, for example, that qualifies its designation as a University.

Now, the least expensive education is usually obtained at a community college. A person earns a two-year associates degree, for example, and may transfer these credits and continue their education at a four year college receiving a bachelor’s degree.

The next least expensive alternative is the four year public university. In Iowa we are talking about the University of Iowa in Iowa City, University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, and Iowa State in Ames. Usually, the private four year college has the highest price tag but also offers the chance for many scholarships and other financial assistance.

When we talk about scholarships, we should define some other terms associated with a financial aid package. Scholarship refers to money given to the student because of some demonstrated talent. This could be athletic, academic, musical, leadership or some other special ability. This is free money given as a reward for excellence. Sometimes this is a one time thing. Other times it is renewable and is given for four years. Many times a certain grade point average needs to be maintained to renew this scholarship. Private colleges have more money to award these scholarships because they use donations from their alums to fund large endowments which makes college more affordable for students. Many times these scholarships are based on high school grade point average, rank in class, ACT or SAT test scores.

Colleges also award grants that are free money that does not have to be repaid. This money is based upon need and is given as a result of the parents filling out the FAFSA form. FAFSA stands for the Free Application for Federal Student Aid, and is available online at a very useful website that belongs to the US Department of Education. Make sure you visit http://www.fafsa.ed.gov.

Your school will usually have an evening in early January when they explain this form to parents of seniors. Also, your tax preparer can assist you in filling out this form.

Loans are just what you think—money that has to be repaid. Some of these loans have very low interest rates and don’t need to be repaid until after graduation. The type of loan you are offered depends upon the result of the FAFSA.

Okay, so that is a down and dirty college primer to financial aid. By the way, did you know that you can ask a college for an "early forecast" of what your financial package might be. For example, they can determine how much financial help you will receive if you give them pertinent financial information.

Is it panic time? What should we be doing? Will this kid ever leave?

Freshman and sophomore years should be spent making the transition to high school and taking the courses that will prepare the student for their post high school life. Some students will take a college preparatory curriculum which will include foreign language, upper level mathematics, sciences, social studies, and at least four years of English. Other students pursue more of a technical education focusing on industrial technology, business, or consumer arts. It is important that students challenge themselves their first two years in high school since they never know where life may lead them.

Students of all ages are encouraged to think about their future education. It is never too early to introduce your child to the concept of post-high school education. For example, visit college campuses when you travel. Encourage your child to talk about their likes and dislikes and dreams for the future. Children want to be what they see. That is why so many really young kids want to be mail carriers, firefighters, soldiers, or teachers. You need to talk about what you do for a living, where you went to school, and the positive and negative parts of your job. This encourages kids to think about the future and some meaningful thing to do with their life.

Junior year is a critical time in the post high school search since many important events take place at that time. First, students make the decision to take more advanced math and science classes. Also, they are deciding whether to continue with foreign languages. They are able to choose elective classes at this time that allow them to pursue their interests and aptitudes. In addition, this is the year that students traditionally take the ACT test. This is the most commonly accepted college screening test. The SAT is another test, but it is not as widely used. Students also take the PSAT test during October. This is a pre-SAT test that is tied to a scholarship awards program. Usually only top test takers will register for this test. A good rule of thumb is if you score in the top 90^th percentile on standardized tests you might be a scholarship contender on the PSAT. It never hurts to take any of these tests and in fact is good experience. The ACT is usually taken in April; however, it is becoming more common to take this test more frequently.

The community college usually does not require the results of an ACT for admission, but they have other tests they administer. It is important to remember that colleges are not using test results to keep anyone out. In fact, they are attempting to ensure that students they accept have the skills to be successful. When I was a counselor, I always used to tell students, "You don’t want to go to a college that doesn’t want you. They have a profile of their idea of a successful student and if you don’t fit that profile, you are going to be fighting an uphill battle for four years." There are plenty of excellent schools and it’s important not to get hung up on one because of their football team, their reputation as a party school, or their location. Besides taking the courses and tests your junior year, this is a good year to start thinking about where you will be after high school. Use the process of elimination to start narrowing down you choices.

• Do you want to attend school in state or out of state?
• How far from home do you want to travel?
• How big a school do you want to attend?
• Will it be a four year school or a two year school?
• Will it be a public college or a private college?
• What can the family afford? Who will pay for the education?
• How large a town do you want to live in?

A Visit to the Guidance Office

It’s an excellent idea for a junior to get to know their guidance counselor. This is the expert on the post-high school education search. Based upon the information your child gives the counselor, he will be able to advise whether to take the PSAT or ACT, which colleges might be of interest, and will have insightful information based on years of experience helping other students plan their future.

Guidance counselors can’t help anyone who doesn’t come into their office. A good working relationship with a guidance counselor is a valuable tool in your strategy to find the right educational opportunity for your student. Many colleges send their representatives to visit high schools as do junior colleges, community colleges, vocational and technical schools. In the fall, they are interested in seeing the current members of the senior class. Many of these institutions of higher learning return in the spring to touch base with their prospective students. However, they are very willing to see juniors at this time who have expressed a specific interest in their schools. Students who want to get a jump on the college search process will find very welcoming recruiters who will have time to spend talking about their institution and may even arrange for a summer visit.

Senior year is the most important time to plan and prepare for life after high school. Some students are very proactive about this college search process and may even have filled out applications during the summer for some college they visited. In fact, the Private College Association holds open houses during the summer where students can tour campuses, and fill out early application forms. To save a little extra money, when you visit a college, ask if the application fee is waived if it is filled out at the time of the visit. Most are online applications and may waive the fees for processing.

Fall is also a time for seniors to visit with college reps who are coming through the guidance office. Most guidance offices will have a calendar advertising upcoming visits and are more than willing to arrange for interested students to meet with these representatives when they are in the building. It never hurts to talk to a college that is considered a "dream school" as long as the student has a sure thing in their back pocket. I always tell families that every bird finds its nest eventually.

Probably the most common parent complaint is the student who procrastinates during this whole process and seems unwilling to jump into the fray. Parents are afraid that their child will miss some deadline, opportunity, or, God forbid, never leave home and be gainfully employed. It’s been my experience that they eventually all find a place where they can pursue their education or get a job, but those who are procrastinating are probably not ready yet. Communication with the guidance counselor is essential since this reluctance may be because the student fears there is no money for college, or that they may not be accepted, or because the family may have other issues to discuss.

This is a good time to have serious conversations about finances, future endeavors, and everybody’s part making this education possible. I’m amazed at the number of families who walk through my office door who never discussed whether money has been set aside for college, who was going to pay, and even whether they wanted their child to receive a post-high school education. In these matters, parents need to be encouraging yet reasonable and realistic.

The following is a pretty good general timeline:

Fall of Senior Year: Visit colleges, talk to guidance counselor, discuss family finances, decide whether to retake the ACT, meet with college representatives.

Late Fall of Senior Year: Start filling out applications. Certain highly competitive schools offer early decision enrollment. Know these deadlines.

Thanksgiving through the Christmas Holidays: Good time to fill out applications.

January Senior Year: Parents fill out the FAFSA forms (online).

Late Winter: Colleges will send out acceptance letters and financial aid packages. Parents are able to compare the financial aid packages and narrow the decision to which school will be chosen. *Remember: If something changes during the school year that radically affects your financial picture, you may amend your FAFSA application.

Spring of your Senior Year: By accepting the school’s financial package and making a room deposit, you are showing your decision to attend a certain school in the fall.

So where is the free money? Unfortunately there is less and less scholarship money available for first year students. Most scholarships come from the smaller, private schools that have endowments as part of their recruiting strategy. Large state schools offer few scholarships to freshman unless the individual has a high ACT, or is a gifted athlete, performer or leader. Grants, which are based on financial need (remember?) are available at both private and public institutions.

The financially strapped student who wants to get the most bang for his buck, should look into the community college and then matriculate into a four year school if he so desires. This is an increasingly popular strategy, and the community colleges have personnel whose job it is to help students meet the qualifications to transfer to four year schools.

Check often with your guidance office... a magnet that attracts opportunities

Let’s talk about some scholarships first. There are lots of scholarships that will be publicized through your high school guidance office. Many of these will be offered by specific colleges, and unless you apply to that college, you are not eligible. In fact, most college applications have as a part of their application the understanding that you are considered for any scholarship for which you are eligible. However, this is a good time for you to become a "private investigator" looking for other sources of scholarships. Here is just a partial list of some places you might look.

• Local service clubs like Kiwanis, Rotary Club, etc.
• Local unions or union organizations
• Credit unions
• National scholarships are available from such corporations as Coca-Cola, Wal-Mart, Target Stores.
• Parents’ employers sometimes offer scholarships to dependents
• If your student has any kind of disability, a malady such as cancer, physical disabilities, blindness, hearing loss, diabetes, there may be financial help.
• Contact your guidance counselor to see if your student qualifies for the services of Vocational Rehabilitation.
• Students who are minorities or "protected class" may qualify for financial help.
• This is a good time for the family to work together to uncover any monies to which they may be entitled. It’s unreasonable to expect a guidance counselor who is responsible for maybe 200 seniors to know your family’s special circumstances or needs.
• If you attended college, there may be a scholarship for a student of an alum.
• The important thing is APPLY, APPLY, APPLY! Go to search engines like google.com, monster.com, and fastweb.com, and see what you can find.
• One last thing: For the student who attends a state school, you may not receive any financial help your freshman year; however, be a visitor to the financial aid office because something may change while you’re at school and you may qualify for monies that you were not offered your first year. For example, you might declare a major and qualify for a scholarship from that department.

That’s my advice. Good luck. Remember: This is a great chance for a bonding experience with your child. Be as positive as you can about the process. If you are a discouraging naysayer, you’re passing up an important opportunity to be an encouraging hero. After all, it will be very difficult to send your child out into that big cold world without your 100% support. In addition, I want to stress that I have no personal agenda for or against any post-secondary school. I feel like the college search is personal and important and that what is right for one person might not be the best for another. I have always prided myself in my objectivity toward all schools. I also feel that the most humble school is as deserving of respect as the most esteemed Ivy League college if it provides the foundation that the student needs to prepare himself for success in the future.

"Your son is an absolute delight. Now, which one of you works for the feds and can bring on the heat from the IRS?"

Some Parent Conference Pointers

The most important part of the conference is the ride home in the car. It is important to approach your child in a positive way. Even if the conference was discouraging or disappointing to you, a punishing or faultfinding attitude on your part is not going to be part of the solution.

arent conferences are one of the more valuable parts of your child's educational experience. I can recall being a young teacher and meeting the parents of my students. The wonderful people I met over the years amaze me. I, like many other teachers, have stories of enlightening conferences that allowed me the privilege of gaining insight into a child's life and background. Like other teachers, I sat and waited for the parents of a struggling student hoping to meet an ally who could help me engage this child in a meaningful way. The parents who did not attend the conferences sometimes told me more about the child than those folks who dutifully attended. In short, there is nothing you can do that will encourage your children and ensure success more than to be an involved partner in their education.

To enhance your conference experience, be prepared. Ask your child how school is going. Your student has a pretty good idea of whether he understands the material and is completing homework and keeping up in class. See if he has any concerns that he wants you to bring up. However, save the really heavy-duty problems for another time when the teacher is not so pressed for time. It is also a good idea to take a pen and paper along to take some notes. Just like any other important meeting, it is easy to forget to ask about something you wanted to know.

Please introduce yourself to the teacher. Even if you have met her before, she may not recall your name. I can't tell you the panic that grips a teacher's heart at the end of a long day of conferences when a parent says that they are Jimmy's mom and dad and you draw a total blank. "Hi, we are Jim Smith's parents Mary and Tom," not only identifies you and your child but also gives the teacher an opportunity to switch gears from the previous conference and focus on you.

Here are some questions that you might ask the teacher.

• Is my child respectful?
• Does he or she listen carefully and follow directions?
• Is homework completed?
• Does my child participate?
• How can I help?
• If I need to contact you, how can I do that?

The most important part of the conference is the ride home in the car. It is important to approach your child in a positive way. Even if the conference was discouraging or disappointing to you, a punishing or faultfinding attitude on your part is not going to be part of the solution. Chances are that your child has a pretty good idea that things may not have gone so well, and your child is probably anxious to hear what the teacher had to say. Returning home with a positive attitude is most productive for your child. This is a prime opportunity for you to become part of the solution rather than someone who is criticizing.

More specifically, always catch your child being good. Begin your comments with something positive. Be conscious that you are very important in your child's life and that your approval is necessary. Shouting, finding faults and punishing simply lower self-esteem. First, praise. Find something good to say, then plan with your child how to remediate problems. Substitute the plan for punishment. Let the plan fit the problem. Remember that when we as adults "blow our top" when we are frustrated with our children we actually feel better because we release some of our tension. However, many things said in anger can remain with a child a long time and can harm your relationship with your child.

For example, if you are upset that your child talks too much in the classroom and interrupts the teacher, formulate a plan to help him manage behavior and be responsible for his actions. You may decide to tell him to sit in the front of the room (you'll need teacher cooperation for this to happen, of course). He may have a Post-It note on his desk that says, "Quiet!" There are also behavior cues that a student can give himself to maintain control. The plan should fit the problem and to ground your child for the weekend for bad behavior in school does nothing about the conduct in school except build resentment. Instead, teaching him self-control by spending an hour in the evening quietly reading and teaching him to calm down and be patient is much more productive.

It's important that you start off on the right foot with your children's teacher, be supportive of what she is trying to accomplish with your students, and look for ways you can form a collaboration and an alliance. Establish some goals for your child, and by all means keep it positive and not confrontational.

Linda Olsen

Linda Olsen has taught high school English for 25 years. She was a high school guidance counselor for 9 years. She has a master's degree in clinical counseling and has been an adolescent mental health therapist. Her comments are based on theory, experience and common sense. Material for this column is prepared in collaboration with our own team of Dubuque School District Guidance Counselors. Any specific information regarding your students or teachers should be directed to your school building's counselor.

"Oh, that's my mom. Have you two met?

Are you a Helicopter Parent?

The helicopter parent makes a lot of noise. They hover over the child ready to swoop down and come to their rescue whenever trouble arises.

Linda Olsen, Guidance Counselor, Retired

arental support is one of the most important factors in a child's success in school. Children whose parents are interested and involved in their education do better in school academically and socially. They adjust better to their new surroundings, and if a problem occurs, the parent can be a powerful ally to the classroom teacher in planning a course of action. Nobody knows a child like mom or dad; they are the experts when it comes to their child. However, Mom and Dad also look at their child through the eyes of love. Therefore, this expert vision can be clouded by emotional issues and lack of objectivity. The question then becomes when to intervene when there is a problem at school and what form should that intervention take?

Probably eighty percent of all children sail through school with few problems. For whatever reason these students manage to avoid academic and disciplinary problems. We see their parents faithfully at open houses, conferences, activities and finally at graduation. However, other children require more parental involvement in their educational lives. For example, children who struggle with adjustment disorders, conduct problems, learning difficulties or physical challenges require more frequent communication between parents and school personnel. However, there some general guidelines for parents to consider as they communicate with their child's teacher or school.

Why use an elephant gun on an ant?

If your student has a minor problem in the classroom, nine times out of ten, just unloading and telling you about it will be sufficient to ease their mind. Make every effort to empower the child to handle the problem himself. If it necessary for you to send a note to the teacher, have the child carry it and deliver it himself. The important point is that the least intrusive, direct intervention on the parent's part is the best approach to a minor problem. Going over a teacher's head to the principal for a minor issue is not a good idea. Teachers set the climate for their classroom and deserve to know if your child is struggling in some way.

Don't reach out and touch someone...

If your child comes home from school with a problem, don't rush to call the teacher at home that evening. If you want to speak with the teacher, wait and call the school the next day or even a couple of days later. Teachers have time during the day to return phone calls. They can also be contacted via email. The best practice is to be judicious in your use of this communication.

Telling secrets out of school...

When you discuss your child with the teacher, it's best to not try to keep it a secret from the child. This is a bad idea for a couple of reasons. First, it leaves the child out of the communication loop. It also puts the teacher in a difficult position of accidentally leaking information.

Parent/teacher partners-Strategies for mutual support...

--Don't criticize or judge the teacher in front of your student
--Don't send an ill student to school
--Help your child to be on time for school
--Send your child to school with necessary supplies
--Help your child to get organized each evening for the morning school routine
--Make sure your child is dressed appropriately
--Attend parent/teacher conferences
--Attend open house
--Volunteer if possible

Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants

Sounds like it's a war out there in the world of child rearing-doesn't it? But the terms "helicopter parents," "drill sergeants," and "consultants," have been used to describe various parenting styles. This is not an exercise in name-calling or fault-finding; human behavior is too complex and varied to be reduced to a label. The parenting styles are meant to challenge us to consider the interactions with our children and those who come into contact with them and decide whether our style conveys the message we want about our parenting skills.

The Helicopter Parent

The helicopter parent makes a lot of noise. They hover over the child ready to swoop down and come to the rescue whenever trouble arises. Well intentioned, they believe they are preparing their child for the world. However, they are robbing their child of powerful chances to problem solve and take care of himself. They inadvertently send the message, "You need me to take care of you." In the extreme these parents react not only to problems but to the possibility of a problem.

Drill Sergeants

The drill sergeant is the order giver. Their mantra is, "When I say jump, you jump." Like the helicopter parent they give their child the message that parents need to solve problems and think for their children.

Consultants

The consultant is willing to first listen and then give advice. Instead of rescuing like the helicopter parent or controlling like the drill sergeant, they allow children to make age appropriate decisions after they have brainstormed options with them. These parents see their child as a work in progress; they objectively look at their child with more realistic eyes of informed love. They are able to watch their child struggle and suffer consequences realizing that the child is building self-esteem and a repertoire of coping skills.

This example illustrates the differences between the three styles. Mary loses five points on her spelling quiz because she came to class without her pen. The helicopter parent calls the principal to complain about the injustice of penalizing a child in this way. The drill sergeant calls the teacher and wants to know what the teacher has against his kid. The consultant says she's sorry it happened, but asks what the child can do to prevent this from happening in the future.

Here's to a new school year and a new start at encouraging your student to be proactive, motivated and responsible. Thank you for your support in the coming school year. And don't forget to catch the school doing something good. Teachers and school personnel love to hear praise for a job well done.

I welcome your comments and questions and will answer them in this column or via e-mail. All other correspondence regarding specific policies, students, teachers or district administrators should be directed (via e-mail) to The Forum, Dubuque Community School District Administration.

Linda Olsen has taught high school English for 25 years. She was a high school guidance counselor for 9 years. She has a master's degree in clinical counseling and has been an adolescent mental health therapist. Her comments are based on theory, experience and common sense.

Bad Dreams and
Belly Aches
Does your young student display a reluctance to return to school?

Linda Olsen, Guidance Counselor, Retired

he carefree days of summer are dwindling and will inevitably give way to fall. When I was a classroom teacher, I jokingly told my students that the eve before the first day of school all over town voices could be heard bemoaning the start of school. "What if no one talks to me there." "I won't be able to make friends." "The principal looks like he doesn't like me." The punchline was, "and those are just the teachers talking." Clearly, the first days of school are filled with doubts, fear and some trepidation for everyone from the loftiest administrator to the meekest preschooler.

Where does this reluctance come from and what causes it?

"I guess shopping for school supplies is out of the question?"

A certain amount of fear is natural in any new experience. Change is always accompanied by its stepsisters fear and avoidance. Psychology 101 offers some theories that help explain this phenomenon. The flight or fight response is a normal reaction to a new or stressful situation. In essence, we are "wired" by our very nature to react to a new stimulus. This reaction is actually a positive thing that allows us to rise to the occasion, problem solve, and muster our personal resources to meet obstacles. The stress that results from new experiences is a normal and healthy phenomenon that spurs us to take action.

How then can parents help their student make a smooth transition to a new school year?

Articles abound on the Internet advising parents on strategies for everything from nutritious snacks, study skills, and that important first impression. Common suggestions are to visit the school to ensure that the student is familiar with his surroundings. This is a good idea and usually happens on registration day. Older students often decorate a locker and make it a welcoming personal space.

"I know he dislikes school, but I don't think he's faking it this time."

The ritual of purchasing school supplies serves as a comforting reminder of the fresh start to a new year. Perhaps the most important strategy is helping your student begin the school year with a positive attitude. Avoid making negative comments like, "Wait until those teachers get hold of you." Or "I can't wait until you kids get out of the house."

In this day when much is made of character education, this is an opportune time to have a discussion about how going to school is age appropriate and is the place where your student is supposed to be. In essence school is your student's job right now and just like parents go to work, kids need to be in school. The more your child is empowered to personally meet and overcome fears, the more confident and competent they will be to face other more serious obstacles with which they are faced.

This is a good time for parents to have conversations with their child about study skills, bedtimes, and morning routines. It is also an excellent opportunity to talk about bullying and remind your child to be aware of harassing behaviors in themselves and others. The new school year is a great time to start with a clean slate.

Many behavioral psychologists recommend preparing for the new school year by setting an earlier bedtime and wake up time starting the beginning of August. Younger children should be read to so that they learn how to settle in and calm themselves. Positive conversations about the upcoming school year and activities are also very helpful.

Moderation is the key. Parents who are over-concerned and attempt to micro manage every aspect of the upcoming school year anticipating problems before they occur are as misguided as those who ignore children who are in distress. The over involved parent robs his child of the opportunity to solve problems and become powerful in his own right. While the avoidant parent is missing a chance to be an ally and a coach who inspires independence and resourcefulness in their child.

What then is the difference between the school blues and a school phobia?

Like every human response, it is a matter of degree. Fear that is paralyzing and results in loss of appetite and a many nights of sleeplessness may be something that requires more than a pep talk and new pencils. As a therapist I saw a family who presented for counseling with their son who was reluctant to attend school. He had developed headaches and was refusing to go to school in the morning. It surprised me when they told me that they had not notified the school about the problem with their son.

They explained that they knew the counselor personally and that they didn't want anyone to hold it against their child. I told them that the school already probably already knows that something is wrong. Furthermore, the school personnel are experts in this area. They know the age appropriate measures to take to help get the student back to school and attending regularly. Parents have a powerful ally in school personnel who are their best resource for strategies in dealing with this problem.

Every resource I contacted stressed the importance of getting the child to school as soon as possible and allow the personnel there to do their job. It is a very rare situation where a student is not able to settle in and become acclimated to the school. The parent who is positive, encouraging and open to conversation will be more likely to have a well-adjusted student who will make a strong transition to school.

I welcome your comments and questions and will answer them in this column or via e-mail. All other correspondence regarding specific policies, students, teachers or district administrators should be directed (via e-mail) to The Forum, Dubuque Community School District Administration.

Linda Olsen has taught high school English for 25 years. She was a high school guidance counselor for 9 years. She has a master's degree in clinical counseling and has been an adolescent mental health therapist. Her comments are based on theory, experience and common sense.